#that I drop this childish delusion and pick up the ways of a grown adult instead
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I have made my peace with being forgotten
and yet you think of me.
I have made my peace with being unloved
and yet you continue to try.
I have made my peace with this silence
and yet your knuckles rap at my door.
I have made my peace with letting go
but you continue to hold on.
what do you think of me?
what do you love?
who do you speak to?
what are you holding onto?
is it me you perceive?
or a shape of something you thought was real
created from dreams and wishes and the promise of a thousand people before you.
#poetry#color says shit#this just in. staying at my parents house while they're gone is bringing up the same old pain#pushing on the same old healed over scars.#heartbreaking. someone you know doesn't conform to rigid black and white good/evil morality#how to build distance when they keep trying to hold you close#when that closeness brings up every single moment of pain#when they're determined to hate the sin but love the sinner.#when your dad still quotes transphobic rhetoric at you.#when your mom is still convinced your queer identity is created from trauma#when they still genuinely care about you as a person but are still fundamentally arrayed against everything you've built for yourself#when their love is a constant wish for transformation. regression back to a more malleable obedient state.#I hurt so fucking much because the only way to make it stop is for me to be the bad guy#for me to tell them to fuck off#otherwise I constantly fight against their gravity.#constantly fight against the expectation that I become something else.#that I drop this childish delusion and pick up the ways of a grown adult instead#and yet they celebrate me. they celebrate my name change.#the change that rejected both their last names. that transformed the entire thing into something apart from them.#I orphaned myself and they celebrate me for that. I'm going to hit post now because I can't keep typing cause I'm gonna go cry instead#I just. what the fuck do I do with this situation.
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